Moms - it's okay to be "selfish"

I have the word "selfish" in quotes on purpose.  To many, especially to moms, it's a bad word.  Right up there with George Carlin's 7 words you can't say on TV.

So many moms I read about - whose blogs I read, and very few who I personally know -  feel guilty for being "selfish."  Yes, being selfish CAN be a bad thing when it's taken to an unhealthy degree.  But doing something for just you - something you alone enjoy, want to do, get pleasure from - that has NOTHING to do with your children or husband is a critical, sometimes self-preserving, need that I think all humans have.

We were people before we were wives and moms.  We had jobs we enjoyed, we went out with friends and shared a glass of wine and the latest gossip, we did dumb things we hope our kids never find out we did, and we took care of ourselves first, and others second.  And then we had a husband and kids and we adjusted these things to go along with our new lives.  Some of us left our jobs to stay home with our kids.  Some couldn't do that - or didn't want to.  We still went out with our friends, only now we met them at the park and shared a cup of coffee and the latest school rankings.  We got too busy for doing dumb things because we were changing diapers, and doing laundry, and supervising homework, and chauffering to this sport and that dance class, and let's not forget trying to fit in the time to pay attention to our husband.  And we got to the point where we were taking care of others first and ourselves last.  We forgot that person we were before we got married and had little persons that our lives now revolve around. 

See - the thing is that our kids are going to grow up.  And while we will always be their mom, our lives won't revolve around them as much as they do when they are little.  And we will have to know who we are - in addition to being moms.

We moms need to be able to treat ourselves as well as we treat our children. If our children mean everything to us, and I know they do, then we must teach them that taking care of ourselves is okay. Sacrificing all of our own desires so that our children can have everything we think they need or want is not okay. Doing that teaches the wrong message - to girls it says that they must sacrifice their own needs for the good of someone else - children and/or husband. That when you become a mom, you can't do or get what you want if it is at the expense of something your children or husband want.  But the resentment of always putting others' needs before ours can become overwhelming.

We must allow ourselves to be at the top of the priority list sometimes.  Taking care of ourselves is NOT selfish.  Taking care of ourselves IS the priority.

Guns and children

I'm sure so much has been written about this topic - but not by me so here goes.

I just read this article and it made my blood boil: http://www.wusa9.com/rss/local_article.aspx?storyid=98215

This poor family.  A 3 year old picks up a LOADED GUN that the stepfather LEFT ON THE END TABLE IN THE LIVING ROOM AND "FORGOT ABOUT IT" - and she accidentally shoots herself in the abdomen, and she dies.  Are you kidding me???  What kind of person leaves a loaded gun in the living room with a toddler in the house?  A stupid, irresponsible one.  I'm sorry - there is NO EXCUSE for this behavior.  I know these parents must feel incredibly guilty in addition to overwhelming grief.  But at the same time, the stepfather should be held accountable for his actions.  That is reckless - and I'm sure there are some laws about child endangerment that this behavior clearly violated.  Yes, he will pay for this careless reckless behavior in his own mind forever (if he is human anyway).  But he also (very likely) violated the law.  If making him legally responsible for his actions saves the life of even ONE toddler from the older brother/father/stepfather/sister/uncle who thinks twice about leaving (and "forgetting") their gun out on the living room end table, then it will have purpose.

The other thing that makes me crazy is that the 3 year old supposedly mistook the gun for - get this - a Wii remote.  Again - are you kidding me???  First of all, how does the sheriff know that is what happened?  The poor girl is DEAD - how could you know what she was thinking???  Or is this for the parent's benefit - to assuage the guilt that they surely must be feeling for forgetting about leaving the loaded pistol on the end table in the living room???  I'm sorry - there is NO WAY a 3 year old "mistakes" a .380 revolver is a Wii remote.   This is just wrong, wrong, wrong.  Period.

I have nothing against guns.  I am not pro-gun, I am not anti-gun.  This is something that I think each person should decide on their own.  I however, am PRO-teaching-your-children-about-the-difference-between-real-and-fake-guns.  And about teaching your children about the difference between play and real life.  My 9 year old son has been playing with toy guns (water guns, nerf guns, etc.) for a long time. And he also has been playing video games for some time - some like ACME Arsenal that include minor violence - with Wile E. Coyote and Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd; yes, it's about as violent as the Saturday morning cartoons we all watched; and yet didn't grow up to be gun-toting murders.  Hmm...somehting to think about for another blog.  But...I digress.

My point is that while my children play these games, we have REGULAR discussions - at least weekly - that what happens on video games/cartoons/some tv shows is NOT real life.  In real life, when you shoot Super Mario with a real gun, and real bullets, he would really die.  In real life, when you crash a car from driving 150 mph, you don't walk away from it.  There is nothing wrong with children playing age appropriate games, and they are going to play these games whether or not we want them to.  What we CAN do, as responsible parents is teach them, at as early an age as possible, that play guns are okay, and real guns are not.  Early and often.  And more often.  And again.  Especially if we have guns in our house.

I'm so sorry for the family of this girl who shot and killed herself.  I am sure their pain and grief will be deep, and neverending.  Let us all learn a lesson from it.

Manners

Two incidents happened this past week that have really gotten under my skin. Granted, we have been dealing with amounts of snow that this city and most of its inhabitants are not accustomed to, and most of us are on edge. But that is no excuse for being rude.

In the grocery store on Tuesday morning (between storms) I was in line when the lady in the line next to me dropped her bottle of vegetable oil, breaking the cap and causing a slow leak.  I watched her pick it up, examine it, saw it leaking, and proceeded to leave it on the display of paper towels, rather than give it to the cashier.   So I picked it up from there, and I gave it to the cashier.  The woman's husband saw me and told me, "No - that one's leaking."  I thank GOD for giving me restraint at that moment.  Rather than throw it at him (which I SO wanted to do and that would have been SO satisfying), I snapped instead, "Yeah, and I'm giving it to the cashier so it doesn't leak all over the place."

Now, I am guilty of leaving unwanted items in the wrong place, but not when something is leaking all over the place, and not when I'm three feet away from a store employee who could do something about it.

Yesterday, a friend and I took our sons to the movies.  At the snack bar, I got pretzel bites that came with a side of cheese sauce.  As I was headed toward the theater, a woman who was paying NO attention to where she was going walked right into me, causing cheese sauce to spill on the floor and down the front of my coat, and sending pretzel nuggets flying.  I was pretty shocked, and she said "oh...sorry..." and kept right on to get in line for whatever she wanted.   As my friend and I bitched (loudly) about her, and were cleaning up the cheese sauce from me and the floor, rude woman came back and offered to buy me another (which I accepted), and my friend mentioned that she could also help us clean up (which she did not).

Then, to top it all off, as I stood waiting for my new order, the server came over to me to let me know my new order would be ready soon, and she'd bring it to me.  The woman who ran into me has disappeared, and didn't even have the courage to bring the replaced order to me herself.  So not only was she rude, but a coward too.

Is it too much to ask for a little more politeness these days?  Not everyone has to smile, or say hello.  Or be nice to everyone all the time.  But to be a little less rude would be nice.

Supreme Court and Freedom of Speech

The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the government may not ban political spending by corporations in candidate elections. I've engaged in debate on both Facebook and to a lesser extent on Twitter (hard to debate in 140 characters) in full support of this decision. My position is simple: a law cannot be passed that inhibits or restricts freedom of speech of any individual or group - period.

Let me just put this out there so there are no misunderstandings: I believe that the structure of our current election system is screwed up. No arguments there. The way things are currently structured allows for (and some may say encourages) corruption, and is far far from perfect. But if you can tell me what political system is perfect and is free from corruption, let me know.

The SCOTUS decision reversed a 2002 law, usually called McCain-Feingold, that banned the broadcast, cable or satellite transmission of “electioneering communications” paid for by corporations or labor unions from their general funds in the 30 days before a presidential primary and in the 60 days before the general elections. The law, as narrowed by a 2007 Supreme Court decision (FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION v. WISCONSIN RIGHT TO LIFE, INC.) applied to communications “susceptible to no reasonable interpretation other than as an appeal to vote for or against a specific candidate.”

To this I say - THANK YOU - it's about time. McCain-Feingold quieted the voices of corporations and labor unions, and is now considered illegal. The issue is simply this -quoted from the Bill of Rights: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." McCain-Feingold told corporations and labor unions that they could not freely speak for those 30 or 60 days prior to an election. THAT is NOT OK, and in clear violation of the 1st amendment.

If legislation can be passed restricting these groups from expressing their opinions, who is to say that it can't then be expanded and applied to other groups? It quickly becomes a very slippery slope, with a serious crash and burn at the end. Because it is not just corporations and unions that have that kind of cash. I can only imagine the outrage if Acorn or Moveon.org were told that they couldn't buy TV time prior to an election for the purposes of "an appeal to vote for or against a specific candidate.” 

"We find no basis for the proposition that, in the context of political speech, the government may impose restrictions on certain disfavored speakers," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote for the majority. "The court has recognized that First Amendment protection extends to corporations."

AMEN.


I realize the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform legislation was passed with good intentions - to try to avoid undue influence of any one particular group (specifically one with a lot of money) on the general electorate. But I argue that it is the responsibility of each individual to do more thorough research before they make up their minds about candidates rather than rely on the 30 second sound bytes that are paid for by anyone who can afford to buy TV time. It's shameful that so many people don't. In this day and age of information overload, there is NO excuse not to find out more about your candidates than what you see between segments of Martha Stewart.

Everyone - every individual and every group - has a voice, and should be allowed to use that voice whenever they choose. Freedom of speech is a cornerstone of our democracy and must never ever be compromised. I am thankful to the Court for preserving it.

Sports - part 2

Gilbert Arenas is the most recent athlete to fall from grace. There are many other professional athletes I can name who at one point were at the top of their game (literally) and wound up at the bottom of the heap.

What is it about so many professional athletes who think that the law doesn't apply to them? Or maybe they think they can break the law with no consequences because they can afford the best lawyers to get them off. Or that the police will recognize "who they are" and wink, wink... nod, nod... look the other way for illegal activity. Personally - I don't even think there is that much awareness. They are just living in the present, with no thought to the future.

Well you know what?? It doesn't work that way. You are not above the law - Michael Vick went to federal prison, and Gilbert Arenas could serve up to 6 months in jail. Ray Lewis made a plea deal, after the witnesses to his crime "changed their story" and he made a plea deal to testify against his companions. (I'm HIGHLY suspicious of this, and have quite a bit of contempt for Lewis. But that's another whole blog post...) Not to mention those athletes like Tiger Woods and Magic Johnson whose personal behavior is morally questionable but not illegal.

What athletes need to realize is that they are role models, like it or not. You - the young athelte - need to know and recognize this LONG before you enter the draft, or farm leagues, or even try out for college teams. With fame comes responsibility. You need to know going in that with the posters, shoe deals, tricked out Escalade, ginormous paycheck, and VIP treatment at every restaurant and nightclub, comes the image that SO MANY young people see and want to imitate.

You cannot tell yourself as you cash your check that it's all about how you perform on the court or field, and everything else is private. NOTHING is private these days. You may say that you never asked for any of this - well guess what? The minute you signed that multi-million dollar contract, YOU DID. Whether you like it or not, these days, that is how it works.

Your name and face are all over the cereal boxes and bobble heads. Young kids wear your shoes and jersey number; they pay BIG bucks to see you play and dream that they can one day do what you do. If they play hard enough, they CAN be you. For that - you owe them the responsibility of a public image worth emulating. Be someone worthy of this praise. Live a life - on and off the court - that you are proud of. Make good decisions - ones that you would want your son, daughter, niece, nephew, and grandchildren to make.

That is what your legacy will be. Not how many triple-doubles you had in your career, or your election into the Hall of Fame. Your WHOLE life - one not just of talented athletic performance, but one of good deeds and good words will be your legacy. Make it one you are proud of.

Sports

I'm a sports chick. I've followed sports since I was a young child - starting with my beloved Yankees. I remember going to Yankee Stadium as a child with my father, grandfather, and brother - and one specific memory sticks out: Bat Day. I was probably 7 or 8 years old, and the bat I happened to get a Bucky Dent bat. (Sorry Mark - I have to say his name.) I remember walking to our seats and a girl who was probably in her early 20's asking me if I wanted to trade and my dad not letting me. Of course, years later, the bat is long gone - I only wish I would have realized at the time just how special that was.

I also played sports - yes, really. Those of you who know me now probably have a hard time picturing it. I played basketball and softball with the Emerson Boys/Girls club when I was in elementary school. I was never a star athlete, but I learned a lot about sports during those few years. Mostly because of those experiences, I can call a strike or balk before the umpire, or an illegal pic, double dribble or travel before the ref does (often surprising my friends!).

I love watching sports on TV and really love going to the games. My top three sports are baseball, basketball and football. I appreciate most of the other sports (although I can't seem to embrace boxing) and I am so happy not being a sports "widow" having to seek an alternate activity for the hours that a baseball or football game is on. I don't know all the player stats, the exact pitching rotation or batting lineup of my Yankees, or all the teams in the NFL playoffs this year, which I used to when I had the time to play fantasy football. But I enjoy it all the same.

Sports is entertainment - and I'm a big fan. Whether at home or in person, I will cheer for a great basket or awesome touchdown. I can appreciate an amazing sack or a seemingly impossible touchdown catch. I will (in fact, I did!) tweet about a bad call by the ref or the nearly-blind umpires in the ALCS and World Series games. I wear my Yankee hat and t-shirts with pride (and also to mess with my Red-Sox fan husband!); and we will order the MLB extra innings package to watch our teams every summer. And I will enjoy every minute of it.

In the US (and some other countries) some athletes are paid almost as much as movie stars; and are as famous as Brangelina too. My next blog will be about those professional athletes who lose focus and take their eyes off the prize. Think Gilbert Arenas, Michael Vick, and Ray Lewis. Stay tuned...

Twitter

I'm slowing becoming accustomed to Twitter. For so long, I wasn't sure I "got" it - why it was created, it's purpose, the protocol, and especially it's impact. But today it hit me - today, reading #iranelection and #Tehran.

Twitter is currently the ONLY mode of information sharing for the people in Iran. I don't know how much of it is accurate, but it is really the only way people in Iran are giving and getting information outside of that country. But inaccuracies are not getting past the savvy (understatement!) Tweeters. This post keeps coming up so people keep ReTweeting (RT) it: "RT IGNORE AND BLOCK @serv_ and @tellsecret. serv_ is spreading misinformation. Possible Iranian Gov thug. Pls RT." or this: "Those who are coming in late to the topic. Be Advised: Not Everyone is what they claim. Use sound judgment."

Iranian internet connections, television, radio, and any other kind of media have been shut down. Most reporters have been kicked out of the country, or worse. But thank God (or Mohammed, or Allah or whomever you'd like) for Twitter.

I am amazed at the amount of Tweets that come in every few seconds. EVERY FEW SECONDS. Real time. Pictures, cell phone videos. The rest of the world has to know what is going on, and they are REALLY interested - they want to know, and they want to know NOW. Yes, you can read the news online, or watch the news when you get home from work, but how much will you see or hear? On Twitter, you are getting constant information. If you want it, it's there.

The amount of Tweeters who are commenting, reacting, and showing solidarity with the Iranian people is beyond comprehension. I couldn't figure out why so many profile pictures were shaded green until I realized it was to support the people.

Some examples of supportive Tweets:

• Also, RT from others: Help Iranians: set twitter location to TEHRAN, GMT +3.30. If all become 'Iranians' harder 2 find
  
• Just changed my location to Tehran. If it makes it harder for Iranian govt to find Iranian Twitters - good enough for me.
  
• Let us all wear green on Friday in solidarity with protesters in Tehran
  
• RT Today at 1 p.m., two more journalists arrested in Iran, Reporters w/o borders. Don't stop tweeting!!
  
• Please retweet: just signed petition 'Google Earth to update satellite images of Tehran

and my favorite so far:

• Twitter allows the truth to flow like water around over and through any mediums possible that wish to stop it.

I have 15 followers on Twitter - which in the Twitter world is less than a grain of sand on the beach. And most of 24 people I follow are either friends, social groups near where I live, my Yankees, or TV personalities who I like. And most of what I say to my Tweeps or hear from them is pretty trivial. That's just me. Because I'm THANKFULLY not living in a country of civil unrest, anarchy, chaos, danger.

Twitter can be trivial. But maybe, after reading this, those of you who think Twitter is just so that you can Tweet that you are pouring milk in your coffee and need to stop at the grocery store tonight, maybe you will think again.