We've had our cabin - known as "Pinewood" for a little under a year. We saw it on Father's Day weekend last year, and signed the papers on July 22. We had been discussing buying a vacation home for years, but more seriously for the immediate 3-4 months prior. Mostly because the Washington rat race had (and still does to some extent, but not nearly has much) gotten to my husband and he would not have lasted there too much longer. I, on the other hand, could see myself growing old with him and our children in our house in the 'burbs. So...a weekend house seemed like good compromise.
I don't think either of us realized at the time the memories we would create here. Sure, we theorized about it: "the kids will love the outdoors... rafting/canoeing/kayaking on the river.... we'll go fishing... sit around the fire and make s'mores.... have good times with friends here" but until things actually happen, you don't think in concrete terms.
One thing we theorize about, hope for, dream about is that our kids will be close friends when they get older. I fully don't expect them to be hanging out together in high school (that's probably too much to ask!), but because of the family time we spend here where they are often their each others only playmate, I can see a bond developing between them that can only strengthen later on.
At the river yesterday, they at first were playing separately (Katie of course found a group of kids and went to hang with them; Ryan was playing alone in the river and with us). Later on, they started playing with each other. And they were laughing and enjoying each other's company like I rarely see. Typically they are arguing over something...anything...everything.... and I have to decree "no talking" for 5 minutes just to end it. But yesterday they were playing for a good 45 minutes, laughing, thinking of things to do together on the rafts, swimming, and just having fun. Those are the moments I cherish - carefree fun. No arguing. Laughing. Enjoying each other. And that is what I think will last throughout the sullen teenage high school years.
I truly don't see this at home - we are all so involved in our routines at home: work, school, homework, laundry, what's for dinner, more work. We don't get much carefree time there. But here at Pinewood, that's all there is. Sure they argue. It is not sibling bliss 24/7 as much as I'd like it to be. But it's far less sibling rivalry than at home.
Well... a year later, we've created a lot of memories. Specific things may not be remembered, but the general feeling of being a family, doing things together and unplugging, relaxing will be long lasting.
The most exciting thing is that it's only been a year - what more can the future hold??? I can't wait to find out.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Raising confident, independent children
I am a fan of Lenore Skenazy, creator of Free Range Kids. She is a little controversial - but I embrace her general philosphy - to let kids be kids. Lenore encourages us to let our children be children like we were - she started her blog (which has since turned into speaking engagements and books among other things) because she wrote an article on why she let her son ride the NYC subway alone. He was 9. Her philosophy is that we can raise "safe, self-reliant children without going nuts with worry."
Like Lenore, I believe that we cannot - I repeat - can NOT - coddle our children like the current generation of 20-30 somethings were as children. Our children have to learn to be kids like we learned to be kids - we rode our bikes for hours around the neighborhood; sold Girl Scout cookies door to door in the whole neighborhood, not just at the houses of the people we knew; and walked to elementary school - not uphill, both ways like our grandparents, but alone or with our friends. Not one of these with adult supervision.
In addition to the safety risks that we try to protect our children from, I think we often over-protect our children from the emotional risks of being children as well. We try to protect them from emotional lows, disappointment in themselves, failed friendships - all of which they will experience at some point in their lives. I think we do them a disservice when we don't let them experience these emotions earlier in life.
Let's take friendships for example: it's so hard for us to let our kids manage their own friendships. We want our kids to have a lot of friends, and - dare I say it - be "popular" (especially if we were NOT). And we feel that somehow we have failed if they aren't. I had tremendous guilt as a working mom when my son had so very few playdates in preschool. I thought for sure he would be a loner with no friends by the time he was in 2nd grade. Boy, was I wrong. Turns out my lack of over-managing his social life then has had no effect on his current one.
My kids have a wide variety of friends - some closer than others. I try not to interfere with these relationships. My daughter has a new "best" friend every month. I don't forbid her to have a "best" friend because then others will be excluded (which is the topic of the blog I read today that inspired this one). She has to learn what having and being a "best" friend means - I can't simply tell her that having a true best friend can be one of he most valued relationships in your life. She has to learn this on her own.
My son still plays with some kids he met when he was 5, but also with ones he met more recently. He let a relationship "fade" over this past year with a boy who he had been quite close with the year prior. This "friend" wasn't acting so much like a friend this year - playground hitting, saying nasty things - and my son realized that his energy was better spent on others who treated him better.
I think that they need to learn how to navigate human relationships now, so for the most part, I stay out of them. I believe this is equipping them to be able to better navigate friendships, and all relationships, in the future. Yes I want them to have a lot of friends. And yes, I will step in (and I have) when a relationship turns more toxic (like when my daughter was being a bully, and later being bullied herself.) But it is up to them to decide who their friends are, and until they need or request my help, I will step back and let them happen. But no matter what happens, I will certainly stop short of hiring a "friendship coach." (No lie - apparently these coaches "teach kids how to be friends the RIGHT WAY." Seriously? No, seriously??)
Yes, we need to keep our kids safe. But we also MUST let go - it's the only way they will learn how to be successful adults. So even if you can't imagine letting your 9 year old ride the subway alone, or even walk around the neighborhood by herself, try letting her navigate her friendships with no interference from you. It may be hard, but I hope you realize it will be worth it.
Like Lenore, I believe that we cannot - I repeat - can NOT - coddle our children like the current generation of 20-30 somethings were as children. Our children have to learn to be kids like we learned to be kids - we rode our bikes for hours around the neighborhood; sold Girl Scout cookies door to door in the whole neighborhood, not just at the houses of the people we knew; and walked to elementary school - not uphill, both ways like our grandparents, but alone or with our friends. Not one of these with adult supervision.
In addition to the safety risks that we try to protect our children from, I think we often over-protect our children from the emotional risks of being children as well. We try to protect them from emotional lows, disappointment in themselves, failed friendships - all of which they will experience at some point in their lives. I think we do them a disservice when we don't let them experience these emotions earlier in life.
Let's take friendships for example: it's so hard for us to let our kids manage their own friendships. We want our kids to have a lot of friends, and - dare I say it - be "popular" (especially if we were NOT). And we feel that somehow we have failed if they aren't. I had tremendous guilt as a working mom when my son had so very few playdates in preschool. I thought for sure he would be a loner with no friends by the time he was in 2nd grade. Boy, was I wrong. Turns out my lack of over-managing his social life then has had no effect on his current one.
My kids have a wide variety of friends - some closer than others. I try not to interfere with these relationships. My daughter has a new "best" friend every month. I don't forbid her to have a "best" friend because then others will be excluded (which is the topic of the blog I read today that inspired this one). She has to learn what having and being a "best" friend means - I can't simply tell her that having a true best friend can be one of he most valued relationships in your life. She has to learn this on her own.
My son still plays with some kids he met when he was 5, but also with ones he met more recently. He let a relationship "fade" over this past year with a boy who he had been quite close with the year prior. This "friend" wasn't acting so much like a friend this year - playground hitting, saying nasty things - and my son realized that his energy was better spent on others who treated him better.
I think that they need to learn how to navigate human relationships now, so for the most part, I stay out of them. I believe this is equipping them to be able to better navigate friendships, and all relationships, in the future. Yes I want them to have a lot of friends. And yes, I will step in (and I have) when a relationship turns more toxic (like when my daughter was being a bully, and later being bullied herself.) But it is up to them to decide who their friends are, and until they need or request my help, I will step back and let them happen. But no matter what happens, I will certainly stop short of hiring a "friendship coach." (No lie - apparently these coaches "teach kids how to be friends the RIGHT WAY." Seriously? No, seriously??)
Yes, we need to keep our kids safe. But we also MUST let go - it's the only way they will learn how to be successful adults. So even if you can't imagine letting your 9 year old ride the subway alone, or even walk around the neighborhood by herself, try letting her navigate her friendships with no interference from you. It may be hard, but I hope you realize it will be worth it.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
West Virginia stereotypes
Most of you who know me know that we have a weekend cabin outside of Berkeley Springs, West Virginia. Anyone from the DC area knows all the jokes about West Virginia - mostly involving a lack of intelligence, missing teeth, hillbillies, marrying your cousin, or something to do with the movie "Deliverance." I've heard most of them, and am sure to keep hearing them more and more as time goes on.
I had many of those stereotypes in my mind as well when we bought Pinewood. I soon found out that some people are some of these things - the people in and around Berkeley Springs are not the best educated or most worldly; they do not have the best dental hygiene. But they are some of the nicest people I've ever met - the "locals" really have a small town mentality and embrace new people. They start conversations with you in diners; drivers stop at walkways to let pedestrians cross; and the waitress at Betty Lou's asks where your kids are because they aren't with you when they have been the last 20 times you went there.
But I was deeply disturbed when one stereotype was really in my face yesterday. I've always heard that West Virginians are overweight and unhealthy. And a lot of them are. Most live below the poverty level - WV is the third lowest state in per capita income, and as of January 2010, the unemployment level was 9.3%. So I'm guessing that eating healthy food is not high on the priority list. But while grocery shopping yesterday, I observed a large woman with two overweight pre-teen girls, and one average size elementary school daughter doing their shopping. What caught my attention was not the size of the woman or her children, but rather, what was in her grocery cart. She had 8 3-liter bottles of soda - orange, root beer, mountain dew, and coke, and not one of them diet; two huge bottles of Hawaiian Punch; and no less than 8 frozen pizzas. At that point, I had to walk away.
I am trying to figure out why this bothered me so much. I am overweight, and have been since my children were born (my oldest is 9 and my youngest just turned 7). Most of my siblings and parents are and always have been overweight. I did not learn healthy eating habits growing up, and still am not the healthiest eater. I drink at least one soda almost every day - usually Diet Coke or Diet Dr. Pepper. And my day is not complete unless I've had at least one sweet treat, probably two, and sometimes more. So who am I to judge what other people eat? Actually - I don't think I was judging her, but rather observing her and wondering what makes us different. I think it is that, thanks to Weight Watchers, I have learned to try to make some healthy choices as part of my overall food intake. I eat a salad with my lunch most days of the week, try to eat more vegetables with dinner, and try to eat fruit as a sweet treat instead of ice cream or cookies. "All things in moderation" works really well with the Weight Watchers plan.
I think that is what struck me - there was not one piece of produce in that woman's cart. Had there been any kind of fruit or vegetable, I would have thought that they are part of what she and her family eat. But the fact that all that was in there was processed food and a LOT of drinks loaded with sugar and chemicals just hit me hard. It makes me sad to think that her children will probably be overweight for most of their lives, and will never learn healthy eating habits. And unfortunately, it will probably be a trait passed on for generations.
I'm hoping that I learn a lesson from this woman - or actually just reinforce lessons that I already know. And that I teach them to my children as well. The choices you make in what you eat have a direct result on your quality of life - maintaining a healthy weight by eating healthy food makes you live longer, and lessens your chance of getting most cancers, diabetes, and high cholesterol. Living a healthy life can raise your life expectancy, and make the quality of that long life even better. It's not always easy or convenient, but the best things in life never are.
And you can - and should - have the candy bar or birthday cake every once in a while. Because they are yummy - and everyone should have something yummy - in moderation of course.
I had many of those stereotypes in my mind as well when we bought Pinewood. I soon found out that some people are some of these things - the people in and around Berkeley Springs are not the best educated or most worldly; they do not have the best dental hygiene. But they are some of the nicest people I've ever met - the "locals" really have a small town mentality and embrace new people. They start conversations with you in diners; drivers stop at walkways to let pedestrians cross; and the waitress at Betty Lou's asks where your kids are because they aren't with you when they have been the last 20 times you went there.
But I was deeply disturbed when one stereotype was really in my face yesterday. I've always heard that West Virginians are overweight and unhealthy. And a lot of them are. Most live below the poverty level - WV is the third lowest state in per capita income, and as of January 2010, the unemployment level was 9.3%. So I'm guessing that eating healthy food is not high on the priority list. But while grocery shopping yesterday, I observed a large woman with two overweight pre-teen girls, and one average size elementary school daughter doing their shopping. What caught my attention was not the size of the woman or her children, but rather, what was in her grocery cart. She had 8 3-liter bottles of soda - orange, root beer, mountain dew, and coke, and not one of them diet; two huge bottles of Hawaiian Punch; and no less than 8 frozen pizzas. At that point, I had to walk away.
I am trying to figure out why this bothered me so much. I am overweight, and have been since my children were born (my oldest is 9 and my youngest just turned 7). Most of my siblings and parents are and always have been overweight. I did not learn healthy eating habits growing up, and still am not the healthiest eater. I drink at least one soda almost every day - usually Diet Coke or Diet Dr. Pepper. And my day is not complete unless I've had at least one sweet treat, probably two, and sometimes more. So who am I to judge what other people eat? Actually - I don't think I was judging her, but rather observing her and wondering what makes us different. I think it is that, thanks to Weight Watchers, I have learned to try to make some healthy choices as part of my overall food intake. I eat a salad with my lunch most days of the week, try to eat more vegetables with dinner, and try to eat fruit as a sweet treat instead of ice cream or cookies. "All things in moderation" works really well with the Weight Watchers plan.
I think that is what struck me - there was not one piece of produce in that woman's cart. Had there been any kind of fruit or vegetable, I would have thought that they are part of what she and her family eat. But the fact that all that was in there was processed food and a LOT of drinks loaded with sugar and chemicals just hit me hard. It makes me sad to think that her children will probably be overweight for most of their lives, and will never learn healthy eating habits. And unfortunately, it will probably be a trait passed on for generations.
I'm hoping that I learn a lesson from this woman - or actually just reinforce lessons that I already know. And that I teach them to my children as well. The choices you make in what you eat have a direct result on your quality of life - maintaining a healthy weight by eating healthy food makes you live longer, and lessens your chance of getting most cancers, diabetes, and high cholesterol. Living a healthy life can raise your life expectancy, and make the quality of that long life even better. It's not always easy or convenient, but the best things in life never are.
And you can - and should - have the candy bar or birthday cake every once in a while. Because they are yummy - and everyone should have something yummy - in moderation of course.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Just for fun
A friend answered these questions in her blog, so I will too. She is SO GOOD about blogging every day. I wish I had the motivation to do that too. Maybe she will inspire me...
We've all answered those "getting to know you" emails or notes on facebook; this is a slightly different twist to those. Hope you learn something about me. Happy Reading.
1. The last thing I procrastinated about and why?
I procrastinate about nearly everything. I have projects at work that have been "ongoing" for far too long. I know if I hunker down and just do it, it will get done. I just don't know why I don't hunker down and do it. At home, I still need to switch me, my daughter and son from the winter wardrobe to the summer one.
2. How fast do you fall asleep? Do you sleep all night?
It takes a while to fall asleep unless I am absolutely exhausted. I fall asleep around 11 and wake up btw. 6:30 - 7:00.
3. What decade would you choose to exemplify your favorite fashion styles?
Classic - late 50's/early 60's (pre-hippie!). I guess the TV show Mad Men has classic professional women's styles that I love.
4. What is your personal best dish for feeding a crowd?
Baked ziti or lasagna.
5. Are you an impulse shopper? What was the last thing you bought on impulse?
TOTALLY! If there is extra $$ in my pocket, I'll spend it. I recently impulse purchased quite a few necklaces and earrings.
6. What is one wish you have for your own funeral?
Laughter - through tears if need be, but more laughing than crying.
7. Is it true that joy is formed in simple things? What joy did you have today?
Yes - absolutely. Snuggling with my kids is so simply joyful. Today what brought me joy: enjoying a latte while hearing one of my favorite songs while driving to work in the sunshine; and the smell of spring in the air.
8.What is your favorite type of bread?
Flavored bread - olive, rosemary, sourdough - my new favorite is pretzel bread. Too bad it is empty calories. Because of course I don't like the mulitgrain, high fiber bread.
9. What trait do you fear you could develop?
Hmmm... not sure.
10. What trait would you like to develop?
Decluttering. Being able to get rid of things sooner. Having a place for everything, and putting it there.
11. What room in your house best reflects your personality?
Kitchen. It's the center of the house, so it's where I spend a lot of time. It's bright, cluttered, and decorated in a fun whimsical way. Like me.
12. How do you balance your life, work, family, obligations, church and blogging?
Sometimes well and other times not so much. Luckily work allows for some personal time when I need it (like leaving early or taking a day off for kids school events). Sometimes, regrettably, my marriage doesn't get the attention it deserves because of school, work, volunteering at church, house cleaning/errands, spending time with friends, or other activities. But I have made a concerted effort recently to change that. Blogging usually happens when something strikes me that I need to express my thoughts on. It is FAR down on the list of priorities. Like at the bottom.
Finally, here is a fun game - 5 for 5: answer 5 questions 5 times
Question 1 - Where were you five years ago?
1. At the same job in the same office
2. In the house on Findley Road
3. Raising a then 4 and 2 year old and enjoying it!
4. Planning a big bash for the firm's 40th anniversary
5. Still glowing after taking our first Disney cruise two months prior, and planning the next
Question 2 - Where would you like to be five years from now?
1. Raising a happy and healthy teenager and pre-teen
2. Still happily in love with my husband
3. Taking my 10th Disney Cruise!
4. Blogging far more frequently
5. 40 pounds lighter
Question 3 - What is (was) on your to do list today?
1. Send CLE applications out
2. Pack for weekend in WV
3. Weight Watchers meeting
4. Daughter's laundry
5. Catch up on Dancing with the Stars with daughter
Question 4 - What 5 snacks do you enjoy?
1. Hostess 100 Calorie strawberry cupcakes
2. Anything chocolate
3. Honey Wheat pretzels
4. Ice cream
5. Cinnamon sugar pita chips
Question 5 - What would you do if you were a billionaire?
1. Travel - cruising mostly, and using a private jet anytime I needed to fly.
2. Donate to organizations that build girls' esteem by taking the focus off outward appearance
3. Drive a dream car - don't even know what kind, but probably a convertible
4. Have a house on the beach on a Carribbean island
5. Hire a full time cook and housekeeper.
We've all answered those "getting to know you" emails or notes on facebook; this is a slightly different twist to those. Hope you learn something about me. Happy Reading.
1. The last thing I procrastinated about and why?
I procrastinate about nearly everything. I have projects at work that have been "ongoing" for far too long. I know if I hunker down and just do it, it will get done. I just don't know why I don't hunker down and do it. At home, I still need to switch me, my daughter and son from the winter wardrobe to the summer one.
2. How fast do you fall asleep? Do you sleep all night?
It takes a while to fall asleep unless I am absolutely exhausted. I fall asleep around 11 and wake up btw. 6:30 - 7:00.
3. What decade would you choose to exemplify your favorite fashion styles?
Classic - late 50's/early 60's (pre-hippie!). I guess the TV show Mad Men has classic professional women's styles that I love.
4. What is your personal best dish for feeding a crowd?
Baked ziti or lasagna.
5. Are you an impulse shopper? What was the last thing you bought on impulse?
TOTALLY! If there is extra $$ in my pocket, I'll spend it. I recently impulse purchased quite a few necklaces and earrings.
6. What is one wish you have for your own funeral?
Laughter - through tears if need be, but more laughing than crying.
7. Is it true that joy is formed in simple things? What joy did you have today?
Yes - absolutely. Snuggling with my kids is so simply joyful. Today what brought me joy: enjoying a latte while hearing one of my favorite songs while driving to work in the sunshine; and the smell of spring in the air.
8.What is your favorite type of bread?
Flavored bread - olive, rosemary, sourdough - my new favorite is pretzel bread. Too bad it is empty calories. Because of course I don't like the mulitgrain, high fiber bread.
9. What trait do you fear you could develop?
Hmmm... not sure.
10. What trait would you like to develop?
Decluttering. Being able to get rid of things sooner. Having a place for everything, and putting it there.
11. What room in your house best reflects your personality?
Kitchen. It's the center of the house, so it's where I spend a lot of time. It's bright, cluttered, and decorated in a fun whimsical way. Like me.
12. How do you balance your life, work, family, obligations, church and blogging?
Sometimes well and other times not so much. Luckily work allows for some personal time when I need it (like leaving early or taking a day off for kids school events). Sometimes, regrettably, my marriage doesn't get the attention it deserves because of school, work, volunteering at church, house cleaning/errands, spending time with friends, or other activities. But I have made a concerted effort recently to change that. Blogging usually happens when something strikes me that I need to express my thoughts on. It is FAR down on the list of priorities. Like at the bottom.
Finally, here is a fun game - 5 for 5: answer 5 questions 5 times
Question 1 - Where were you five years ago?
1. At the same job in the same office
2. In the house on Findley Road
3. Raising a then 4 and 2 year old and enjoying it!
4. Planning a big bash for the firm's 40th anniversary
5. Still glowing after taking our first Disney cruise two months prior, and planning the next
Question 2 - Where would you like to be five years from now?
1. Raising a happy and healthy teenager and pre-teen
2. Still happily in love with my husband
3. Taking my 10th Disney Cruise!
4. Blogging far more frequently
5. 40 pounds lighter
Question 3 - What is (was) on your to do list today?
1. Send CLE applications out
2. Pack for weekend in WV
3. Weight Watchers meeting
4. Daughter's laundry
5. Catch up on Dancing with the Stars with daughter
Question 4 - What 5 snacks do you enjoy?
1. Hostess 100 Calorie strawberry cupcakes
2. Anything chocolate
3. Honey Wheat pretzels
4. Ice cream
5. Cinnamon sugar pita chips
Question 5 - What would you do if you were a billionaire?
1. Travel - cruising mostly, and using a private jet anytime I needed to fly.
2. Donate to organizations that build girls' esteem by taking the focus off outward appearance
3. Drive a dream car - don't even know what kind, but probably a convertible
4. Have a house on the beach on a Carribbean island
5. Hire a full time cook and housekeeper.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Moms - it's okay to be "selfish"
I have the word "selfish" in quotes on purpose. To many, especially to moms, it's a bad word. Right up there with George Carlin's 7 words you can't say on TV.
So many moms I read about - whose blogs I read, and very few who I personally know - feel guilty for being "selfish." Yes, being selfish CAN be a bad thing when it's taken to an unhealthy degree. But doing something for just you - something you alone enjoy, want to do, get pleasure from - that has NOTHING to do with your children or husband is a critical, sometimes self-preserving, need that I think all humans have.
We were people before we were wives and moms. We had jobs we enjoyed, we went out with friends and shared a glass of wine and the latest gossip, we did dumb things we hope our kids never find out we did, and we took care of ourselves first, and others second. And then we had a husband and kids and we adjusted these things to go along with our new lives. Some of us left our jobs to stay home with our kids. Some couldn't do that - or didn't want to. We still went out with our friends, only now we met them at the park and shared a cup of coffee and the latest school rankings. We got too busy for doing dumb things because we were changing diapers, and doing laundry, and supervising homework, and chauffering to this sport and that dance class, and let's not forget trying to fit in the time to pay attention to our husband. And we got to the point where we were taking care of others first and ourselves last. We forgot that person we were before we got married and had little persons that our lives now revolve around.
See - the thing is that our kids are going to grow up. And while we will always be their mom, our lives won't revolve around them as much as they do when they are little. And we will have to know who we are - in addition to being moms.
We must allow ourselves to be at the top of the priority list sometimes. Taking care of ourselves is NOT selfish. Taking care of ourselves IS the priority.
So many moms I read about - whose blogs I read, and very few who I personally know - feel guilty for being "selfish." Yes, being selfish CAN be a bad thing when it's taken to an unhealthy degree. But doing something for just you - something you alone enjoy, want to do, get pleasure from - that has NOTHING to do with your children or husband is a critical, sometimes self-preserving, need that I think all humans have.
We were people before we were wives and moms. We had jobs we enjoyed, we went out with friends and shared a glass of wine and the latest gossip, we did dumb things we hope our kids never find out we did, and we took care of ourselves first, and others second. And then we had a husband and kids and we adjusted these things to go along with our new lives. Some of us left our jobs to stay home with our kids. Some couldn't do that - or didn't want to. We still went out with our friends, only now we met them at the park and shared a cup of coffee and the latest school rankings. We got too busy for doing dumb things because we were changing diapers, and doing laundry, and supervising homework, and chauffering to this sport and that dance class, and let's not forget trying to fit in the time to pay attention to our husband. And we got to the point where we were taking care of others first and ourselves last. We forgot that person we were before we got married and had little persons that our lives now revolve around.
See - the thing is that our kids are going to grow up. And while we will always be their mom, our lives won't revolve around them as much as they do when they are little. And we will have to know who we are - in addition to being moms.
We moms need to be able to treat ourselves as well as we treat our children. If our children mean everything to us, and I know they do, then we must teach them that taking care of ourselves is okay. Sacrificing all of our own desires so that our children can have everything we think they need or want is not okay. Doing that teaches the wrong message - to girls it says that they must sacrifice their own needs for the good of someone else - children and/or husband. That when you become a mom, you can't do or get what you want if it is at the expense of something your children or husband want. But the resentment of always putting others' needs before ours can become overwhelming.
We must allow ourselves to be at the top of the priority list sometimes. Taking care of ourselves is NOT selfish. Taking care of ourselves IS the priority.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Guns and children
I'm sure so much has been written about this topic - but not by me so here goes.
I just read this article and it made my blood boil: http://www.wusa9.com/rss/local_article.aspx?storyid=98215
This poor family. A 3 year old picks up a LOADED GUN that the stepfather LEFT ON THE END TABLE IN THE LIVING ROOM AND "FORGOT ABOUT IT" - and she accidentally shoots herself in the abdomen, and she dies. Are you kidding me??? What kind of person leaves a loaded gun in the living room with a toddler in the house? A stupid, irresponsible one. I'm sorry - there is NO EXCUSE for this behavior. I know these parents must feel incredibly guilty in addition to overwhelming grief. But at the same time, the stepfather should be held accountable for his actions. That is reckless - and I'm sure there are some laws about child endangerment that this behavior clearly violated. Yes, he will pay for this careless reckless behavior in his own mind forever (if he is human anyway). But he also (very likely) violated the law. If making him legally responsible for his actions saves the life of even ONE toddler from the older brother/father/stepfather/sister/uncle who thinks twice about leaving (and "forgetting") their gun out on the living room end table, then it will have purpose.
The other thing that makes me crazy is that the 3 year old supposedly mistook the gun for - get this - a Wii remote. Again - are you kidding me??? First of all, how does the sheriff know that is what happened? The poor girl is DEAD - how could you know what she was thinking??? Or is this for the parent's benefit - to assuage the guilt that they surely must be feeling for forgetting about leaving the loaded pistol on the end table in the living room??? I'm sorry - there is NO WAY a 3 year old "mistakes" a .380 revolver is a Wii remote. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Period.
I have nothing against guns. I am not pro-gun, I am not anti-gun. This is something that I think each person should decide on their own. I however, am PRO-teaching-your-children-about-the-difference-between-real-and-fake-guns. And about teaching your children about the difference between play and real life. My 9 year old son has been playing with toy guns (water guns, nerf guns, etc.) for a long time. And he also has been playing video games for some time - some like ACME Arsenal that include minor violence - with Wile E. Coyote and Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd; yes, it's about as violent as the Saturday morning cartoons we all watched; and yet didn't grow up to be gun-toting murders. Hmm...somehting to think about for another blog. But...I digress.
My point is that while my children play these games, we have REGULAR discussions - at least weekly - that what happens on video games/cartoons/some tv shows is NOT real life. In real life, when you shoot Super Mario with a real gun, and real bullets, he would really die. In real life, when you crash a car from driving 150 mph, you don't walk away from it. There is nothing wrong with children playing age appropriate games, and they are going to play these games whether or not we want them to. What we CAN do, as responsible parents is teach them, at as early an age as possible, that play guns are okay, and real guns are not. Early and often. And more often. And again. Especially if we have guns in our house.
I'm so sorry for the family of this girl who shot and killed herself. I am sure their pain and grief will be deep, and neverending. Let us all learn a lesson from it.
I just read this article and it made my blood boil: http://www.wusa9.com/rss/local_article.aspx?storyid=98215
This poor family. A 3 year old picks up a LOADED GUN that the stepfather LEFT ON THE END TABLE IN THE LIVING ROOM AND "FORGOT ABOUT IT" - and she accidentally shoots herself in the abdomen, and she dies. Are you kidding me??? What kind of person leaves a loaded gun in the living room with a toddler in the house? A stupid, irresponsible one. I'm sorry - there is NO EXCUSE for this behavior. I know these parents must feel incredibly guilty in addition to overwhelming grief. But at the same time, the stepfather should be held accountable for his actions. That is reckless - and I'm sure there are some laws about child endangerment that this behavior clearly violated. Yes, he will pay for this careless reckless behavior in his own mind forever (if he is human anyway). But he also (very likely) violated the law. If making him legally responsible for his actions saves the life of even ONE toddler from the older brother/father/stepfather/sister/uncle who thinks twice about leaving (and "forgetting") their gun out on the living room end table, then it will have purpose.
The other thing that makes me crazy is that the 3 year old supposedly mistook the gun for - get this - a Wii remote. Again - are you kidding me??? First of all, how does the sheriff know that is what happened? The poor girl is DEAD - how could you know what she was thinking??? Or is this for the parent's benefit - to assuage the guilt that they surely must be feeling for forgetting about leaving the loaded pistol on the end table in the living room??? I'm sorry - there is NO WAY a 3 year old "mistakes" a .380 revolver is a Wii remote. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Period.
I have nothing against guns. I am not pro-gun, I am not anti-gun. This is something that I think each person should decide on their own. I however, am PRO-teaching-your-children-about-the-difference-between-real-and-fake-guns. And about teaching your children about the difference between play and real life. My 9 year old son has been playing with toy guns (water guns, nerf guns, etc.) for a long time. And he also has been playing video games for some time - some like ACME Arsenal that include minor violence - with Wile E. Coyote and Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd; yes, it's about as violent as the Saturday morning cartoons we all watched; and yet didn't grow up to be gun-toting murders. Hmm...somehting to think about for another blog. But...I digress.
My point is that while my children play these games, we have REGULAR discussions - at least weekly - that what happens on video games/cartoons/some tv shows is NOT real life. In real life, when you shoot Super Mario with a real gun, and real bullets, he would really die. In real life, when you crash a car from driving 150 mph, you don't walk away from it. There is nothing wrong with children playing age appropriate games, and they are going to play these games whether or not we want them to. What we CAN do, as responsible parents is teach them, at as early an age as possible, that play guns are okay, and real guns are not. Early and often. And more often. And again. Especially if we have guns in our house.
I'm so sorry for the family of this girl who shot and killed herself. I am sure their pain and grief will be deep, and neverending. Let us all learn a lesson from it.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Manners
Two incidents happened this past week that have really gotten under my skin. Granted, we have been dealing with amounts of snow that this city and most of its inhabitants are not accustomed to, and most of us are on edge. But that is no excuse for being rude.
In the grocery store on Tuesday morning (between storms) I was in line when the lady in the line next to me dropped her bottle of vegetable oil, breaking the cap and causing a slow leak. I watched her pick it up, examine it, saw it leaking, and proceeded to leave it on the display of paper towels, rather than give it to the cashier. So I picked it up from there, and I gave it to the cashier. The woman's husband saw me and told me, "No - that one's leaking." I thank GOD for giving me restraint at that moment. Rather than throw it at him (which I SO wanted to do and that would have been SO satisfying), I snapped instead, "Yeah, and I'm giving it to the cashier so it doesn't leak all over the place."
Now, I am guilty of leaving unwanted items in the wrong place, but not when something is leaking all over the place, and not when I'm three feet away from a store employee who could do something about it.
Yesterday, a friend and I took our sons to the movies. At the snack bar, I got pretzel bites that came with a side of cheese sauce. As I was headed toward the theater, a woman who was paying NO attention to where she was going walked right into me, causing cheese sauce to spill on the floor and down the front of my coat, and sending pretzel nuggets flying. I was pretty shocked, and she said "oh...sorry..." and kept right on to get in line for whatever she wanted. As my friend and I bitched (loudly) about her, and were cleaning up the cheese sauce from me and the floor, rude woman came back and offered to buy me another (which I accepted), and my friend mentioned that she could also help us clean up (which she did not).
Then, to top it all off, as I stood waiting for my new order, the server came over to me to let me know my new order would be ready soon, and she'd bring it to me. The woman who ran into me has disappeared, and didn't even have the courage to bring the replaced order to me herself. So not only was she rude, but a coward too.
Is it too much to ask for a little more politeness these days? Not everyone has to smile, or say hello. Or be nice to everyone all the time. But to be a little less rude would be nice.
In the grocery store on Tuesday morning (between storms) I was in line when the lady in the line next to me dropped her bottle of vegetable oil, breaking the cap and causing a slow leak. I watched her pick it up, examine it, saw it leaking, and proceeded to leave it on the display of paper towels, rather than give it to the cashier. So I picked it up from there, and I gave it to the cashier. The woman's husband saw me and told me, "No - that one's leaking." I thank GOD for giving me restraint at that moment. Rather than throw it at him (which I SO wanted to do and that would have been SO satisfying), I snapped instead, "Yeah, and I'm giving it to the cashier so it doesn't leak all over the place."
Now, I am guilty of leaving unwanted items in the wrong place, but not when something is leaking all over the place, and not when I'm three feet away from a store employee who could do something about it.
Yesterday, a friend and I took our sons to the movies. At the snack bar, I got pretzel bites that came with a side of cheese sauce. As I was headed toward the theater, a woman who was paying NO attention to where she was going walked right into me, causing cheese sauce to spill on the floor and down the front of my coat, and sending pretzel nuggets flying. I was pretty shocked, and she said "oh...sorry..." and kept right on to get in line for whatever she wanted. As my friend and I bitched (loudly) about her, and were cleaning up the cheese sauce from me and the floor, rude woman came back and offered to buy me another (which I accepted), and my friend mentioned that she could also help us clean up (which she did not).
Then, to top it all off, as I stood waiting for my new order, the server came over to me to let me know my new order would be ready soon, and she'd bring it to me. The woman who ran into me has disappeared, and didn't even have the courage to bring the replaced order to me herself. So not only was she rude, but a coward too.
Is it too much to ask for a little more politeness these days? Not everyone has to smile, or say hello. Or be nice to everyone all the time. But to be a little less rude would be nice.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Supreme Court and Freedom of Speech
The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the government may not ban political spending by corporations in candidate elections. I've engaged in debate on both Facebook and to a lesser extent on Twitter (hard to debate in 140 characters) in full support of this decision. My position is simple: a law cannot be passed that inhibits or restricts freedom of speech of any individual or group - period.
Let me just put this out there so there are no misunderstandings: I believe that the structure of our current election system is screwed up. No arguments there. The way things are currently structured allows for (and some may say encourages) corruption, and is far far from perfect. But if you can tell me what political system is perfect and is free from corruption, let me know.
The SCOTUS decision reversed a 2002 law, usually called McCain-Feingold, that banned the broadcast, cable or satellite transmission of “electioneering communications” paid for by corporations or labor unions from their general funds in the 30 days before a presidential primary and in the 60 days before the general elections. The law, as narrowed by a 2007 Supreme Court decision (FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION v. WISCONSIN RIGHT TO LIFE, INC.) applied to communications “susceptible to no reasonable interpretation other than as an appeal to vote for or against a specific candidate.”
To this I say - THANK YOU - it's about time. McCain-Feingold quieted the voices of corporations and labor unions, and is now considered illegal. The issue is simply this -quoted from the Bill of Rights: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." McCain-Feingold told corporations and labor unions that they could not freely speak for those 30 or 60 days prior to an election. THAT is NOT OK, and in clear violation of the 1st amendment.
If legislation can be passed restricting these groups from expressing their opinions, who is to say that it can't then be expanded and applied to other groups? It quickly becomes a very slippery slope, with a serious crash and burn at the end. Because it is not just corporations and unions that have that kind of cash. I can only imagine the outrage if Acorn or Moveon.org were told that they couldn't buy TV time prior to an election for the purposes of "an appeal to vote for or against a specific candidate.”
"We find no basis for the proposition that, in the context of political speech, the government may impose restrictions on certain disfavored speakers," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote for the majority. "The court has recognized that First Amendment protection extends to corporations."
AMEN.
I realize the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform legislation was passed with good intentions - to try to avoid undue influence of any one particular group (specifically one with a lot of money) on the general electorate. But I argue that it is the responsibility of each individual to do more thorough research before they make up their minds about candidates rather than rely on the 30 second sound bytes that are paid for by anyone who can afford to buy TV time. It's shameful that so many people don't. In this day and age of information overload, there is NO excuse not to find out more about your candidates than what you see between segments of Martha Stewart.
Everyone - every individual and every group - has a voice, and should be allowed to use that voice whenever they choose. Freedom of speech is a cornerstone of our democracy and must never ever be compromised. I am thankful to the Court for preserving it.
Let me just put this out there so there are no misunderstandings: I believe that the structure of our current election system is screwed up. No arguments there. The way things are currently structured allows for (and some may say encourages) corruption, and is far far from perfect. But if you can tell me what political system is perfect and is free from corruption, let me know.
The SCOTUS decision reversed a 2002 law, usually called McCain-Feingold, that banned the broadcast, cable or satellite transmission of “electioneering communications” paid for by corporations or labor unions from their general funds in the 30 days before a presidential primary and in the 60 days before the general elections. The law, as narrowed by a 2007 Supreme Court decision (FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION v. WISCONSIN RIGHT TO LIFE, INC.) applied to communications “susceptible to no reasonable interpretation other than as an appeal to vote for or against a specific candidate.”
To this I say - THANK YOU - it's about time. McCain-Feingold quieted the voices of corporations and labor unions, and is now considered illegal. The issue is simply this -quoted from the Bill of Rights: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." McCain-Feingold told corporations and labor unions that they could not freely speak for those 30 or 60 days prior to an election. THAT is NOT OK, and in clear violation of the 1st amendment.
If legislation can be passed restricting these groups from expressing their opinions, who is to say that it can't then be expanded and applied to other groups? It quickly becomes a very slippery slope, with a serious crash and burn at the end. Because it is not just corporations and unions that have that kind of cash. I can only imagine the outrage if Acorn or Moveon.org were told that they couldn't buy TV time prior to an election for the purposes of "an appeal to vote for or against a specific candidate.”
"We find no basis for the proposition that, in the context of political speech, the government may impose restrictions on certain disfavored speakers," Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote for the majority. "The court has recognized that First Amendment protection extends to corporations."
AMEN.
I realize the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform legislation was passed with good intentions - to try to avoid undue influence of any one particular group (specifically one with a lot of money) on the general electorate. But I argue that it is the responsibility of each individual to do more thorough research before they make up their minds about candidates rather than rely on the 30 second sound bytes that are paid for by anyone who can afford to buy TV time. It's shameful that so many people don't. In this day and age of information overload, there is NO excuse not to find out more about your candidates than what you see between segments of Martha Stewart.
Everyone - every individual and every group - has a voice, and should be allowed to use that voice whenever they choose. Freedom of speech is a cornerstone of our democracy and must never ever be compromised. I am thankful to the Court for preserving it.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sports - part 2
Gilbert Arenas is the most recent athlete to fall from grace. There are many other professional athletes I can name who at one point were at the top of their game (literally) and wound up at the bottom of the heap.
What is it about so many professional athletes who think that the law doesn't apply to them? Or maybe they think they can break the law with no consequences because they can afford the best lawyers to get them off. Or that the police will recognize "who they are" and wink, wink... nod, nod... look the other way for illegal activity. Personally - I don't even think there is that much awareness. They are just living in the present, with no thought to the future.
Well you know what?? It doesn't work that way. You are not above the law - Michael Vick went to federal prison, and Gilbert Arenas could serve up to 6 months in jail. Ray Lewis made a plea deal, after the witnesses to his crime "changed their story" and he made a plea deal to testify against his companions. (I'm HIGHLY suspicious of this, and have quite a bit of contempt for Lewis. But that's another whole blog post...) Not to mention those athletes like Tiger Woods and Magic Johnson whose personal behavior is morally questionable but not illegal.
What athletes need to realize is that they are role models, like it or not. You - the young athelte - need to know and recognize this LONG before you enter the draft, or farm leagues, or even try out for college teams. With fame comes responsibility. You need to know going in that with the posters, shoe deals, tricked out Escalade, ginormous paycheck, and VIP treatment at every restaurant and nightclub, comes the image that SO MANY young people see and want to imitate.
You cannot tell yourself as you cash your check that it's all about how you perform on the court or field, and everything else is private. NOTHING is private these days. You may say that you never asked for any of this - well guess what? The minute you signed that multi-million dollar contract, YOU DID. Whether you like it or not, these days, that is how it works.
Your name and face are all over the cereal boxes and bobble heads. Young kids wear your shoes and jersey number; they pay BIG bucks to see you play and dream that they can one day do what you do. If they play hard enough, they CAN be you. For that - you owe them the responsibility of a public image worth emulating. Be someone worthy of this praise. Live a life - on and off the court - that you are proud of. Make good decisions - ones that you would want your son, daughter, niece, nephew, and grandchildren to make.
That is what your legacy will be. Not how many triple-doubles you had in your career, or your election into the Hall of Fame. Your WHOLE life - one not just of talented athletic performance, but one of good deeds and good words will be your legacy. Make it one you are proud of.
What is it about so many professional athletes who think that the law doesn't apply to them? Or maybe they think they can break the law with no consequences because they can afford the best lawyers to get them off. Or that the police will recognize "who they are" and wink, wink... nod, nod... look the other way for illegal activity. Personally - I don't even think there is that much awareness. They are just living in the present, with no thought to the future.
Well you know what?? It doesn't work that way. You are not above the law - Michael Vick went to federal prison, and Gilbert Arenas could serve up to 6 months in jail. Ray Lewis made a plea deal, after the witnesses to his crime "changed their story" and he made a plea deal to testify against his companions. (I'm HIGHLY suspicious of this, and have quite a bit of contempt for Lewis. But that's another whole blog post...) Not to mention those athletes like Tiger Woods and Magic Johnson whose personal behavior is morally questionable but not illegal.
What athletes need to realize is that they are role models, like it or not. You - the young athelte - need to know and recognize this LONG before you enter the draft, or farm leagues, or even try out for college teams. With fame comes responsibility. You need to know going in that with the posters, shoe deals, tricked out Escalade, ginormous paycheck, and VIP treatment at every restaurant and nightclub, comes the image that SO MANY young people see and want to imitate.
You cannot tell yourself as you cash your check that it's all about how you perform on the court or field, and everything else is private. NOTHING is private these days. You may say that you never asked for any of this - well guess what? The minute you signed that multi-million dollar contract, YOU DID. Whether you like it or not, these days, that is how it works.
Your name and face are all over the cereal boxes and bobble heads. Young kids wear your shoes and jersey number; they pay BIG bucks to see you play and dream that they can one day do what you do. If they play hard enough, they CAN be you. For that - you owe them the responsibility of a public image worth emulating. Be someone worthy of this praise. Live a life - on and off the court - that you are proud of. Make good decisions - ones that you would want your son, daughter, niece, nephew, and grandchildren to make.
That is what your legacy will be. Not how many triple-doubles you had in your career, or your election into the Hall of Fame. Your WHOLE life - one not just of talented athletic performance, but one of good deeds and good words will be your legacy. Make it one you are proud of.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Sports
I'm a sports chick. I've followed sports since I was a young child - starting with my beloved Yankees. I remember going to Yankee Stadium as a child with my father, grandfather, and brother - and one specific memory sticks out: Bat Day. I was probably 7 or 8 years old, and the bat I happened to get a Bucky Dent bat. (Sorry Mark - I have to say his name.) I remember walking to our seats and a girl who was probably in her early 20's asking me if I wanted to trade and my dad not letting me. Of course, years later, the bat is long gone - I only wish I would have realized at the time just how special that was.
I also played sports - yes, really. Those of you who know me now probably have a hard time picturing it. I played basketball and softball with the Emerson Boys/Girls club when I was in elementary school. I was never a star athlete, but I learned a lot about sports during those few years. Mostly because of those experiences, I can call a strike or balk before the umpire, or an illegal pic, double dribble or travel before the ref does (often surprising my friends!).
I love watching sports on TV and really love going to the games. My top three sports are baseball, basketball and football. I appreciate most of the other sports (although I can't seem to embrace boxing) and I am so happy not being a sports "widow" having to seek an alternate activity for the hours that a baseball or football game is on. I don't know all the player stats, the exact pitching rotation or batting lineup of my Yankees, or all the teams in the NFL playoffs this year, which I used to when I had the time to play fantasy football. But I enjoy it all the same.
Sports is entertainment - and I'm a big fan. Whether at home or in person, I will cheer for a great basket or awesome touchdown. I can appreciate an amazing sack or a seemingly impossible touchdown catch. I will (in fact, I did!) tweet about a bad call by the ref or the nearly-blind umpires in the ALCS and World Series games. I wear my Yankee hat and t-shirts with pride (and also to mess with my Red-Sox fan husband!); and we will order the MLB extra innings package to watch our teams every summer. And I will enjoy every minute of it.
In the US (and some other countries) some athletes are paid almost as much as movie stars; and are as famous as Brangelina too. My next blog will be about those professional athletes who lose focus and take their eyes off the prize. Think Gilbert Arenas, Michael Vick, and Ray Lewis. Stay tuned...
I also played sports - yes, really. Those of you who know me now probably have a hard time picturing it. I played basketball and softball with the Emerson Boys/Girls club when I was in elementary school. I was never a star athlete, but I learned a lot about sports during those few years. Mostly because of those experiences, I can call a strike or balk before the umpire, or an illegal pic, double dribble or travel before the ref does (often surprising my friends!).
I love watching sports on TV and really love going to the games. My top three sports are baseball, basketball and football. I appreciate most of the other sports (although I can't seem to embrace boxing) and I am so happy not being a sports "widow" having to seek an alternate activity for the hours that a baseball or football game is on. I don't know all the player stats, the exact pitching rotation or batting lineup of my Yankees, or all the teams in the NFL playoffs this year, which I used to when I had the time to play fantasy football. But I enjoy it all the same.
Sports is entertainment - and I'm a big fan. Whether at home or in person, I will cheer for a great basket or awesome touchdown. I can appreciate an amazing sack or a seemingly impossible touchdown catch. I will (in fact, I did!) tweet about a bad call by the ref or the nearly-blind umpires in the ALCS and World Series games. I wear my Yankee hat and t-shirts with pride (and also to mess with my Red-Sox fan husband!); and we will order the MLB extra innings package to watch our teams every summer. And I will enjoy every minute of it.
In the US (and some other countries) some athletes are paid almost as much as movie stars; and are as famous as Brangelina too. My next blog will be about those professional athletes who lose focus and take their eyes off the prize. Think Gilbert Arenas, Michael Vick, and Ray Lewis. Stay tuned...
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